Walk With Me - An Audio Guide for Self-Improvement
Walk With Me - An Audio Guide for Self-Improvement
Unveiling Men's Hidden Struggles: A Mental Health Awakening Ep. 2
There's a silent epidemic sweeping across the globe - the erosion of men's mental health. We're lifting the veil on this issue by sharing personal anecdotes, raw experiences, and challenges faced by men, including ourselves, in the battle with mental health. From grappling with functional alcoholism, dealing with generational trauma, to overcoming suicidal thoughts, our conversation is powerful, poignant, and above all, real.
There's a stark truth we often overlook - having a purpose in life can be a salvation. We’re sharing our own journey of dealing with self-worth, our fears of mortality, and how these struggles have shaped us. Our guests, who have been on the frontline, working with suicide prevention hotlines, and helping rehabilitate those in the prison system, shed light on the importance of dismantling the "tough guy" facade and forging genuine human connections.
As we conclude our conversation, we emphasize the need for perseverance and the power of self-help. We delve into the impact suicide has on those left behind and the importance of cherishing life rather than merely surviving it. At the heart of our discussion, we're celebrating the strength within us all - the strength of community, of family, and the unshakeable belief that no one is alone in their battle. Join us in this heartfelt conversation, and let's change the narrative around men's mental health, together.
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Passion, drive, persistence, resilience, love all qualities that shape and define us. Join the Cyber Warrior as he helps shape your path. This is Walk With Me.
Speaker 2:Welcome back to Walk With Me at Cyber Warrior Studios Production. I'm your host on this journey to Cyber Warrior Now. last week, we began our discussion of men's mental health and a round table. You've heard some stories, but you haven't heard them all. We continue that talk this week Now. I apologize for the length, but this is a talk and a topic that I did not want to cut short As such. please brace yourselves, as the stories you hear are real, the troubles we have faced are real, and the ways we deal with them and the things that we have done to deal with them are extremely real. Let me make this a trigger, warning that, yes, there is talk of suicide.
Speaker 1:There is talk of the pains and the things that we have done to deal with these issues. There will also be some explicit language.
Speaker 2:David, thanks for coming back. I know you've been having a lot of issues, but please give me your feedback on the importance of mental health, what you've been dealing with or how we can push this forward. Some of the issues you've seen just in what you've dealt with. I know you were talking about being a Marine and didn't get to finish that conversation. If we could finish that, that'd be great.
Speaker 3:Yeah, what I was going to say about that is I didn't. I know there's a lot of guys out there that saw a whole lot more than I did. I did my two tours in Iraq. I spent a year in Afghanistan as a contractor. I saw a little bit of action. I didn't see I'm not going to pretend like I'm a bronze star, metal honor winner level of combat action. What I have seen is I've lost a lot of my young guys after we came back. It's not my generation, it's not the 50-year-olds. Yeah, we've got a lot of guys that have drank themselves out of this world and stuff like that, but the guys that are actually committing suicide, it's the younger generations of the military. I don't know if it's because I know there's not a lot of it's getting better. The help is It's been a long time.
Speaker 3:Any of us that have ever dealt with the VA, we know what kind of nightmare that can be. Guys that get out. They get out with no benefits. They take on the tough guy. Well, i don't need to go to medical, i don't need to get a profile, i don't need to get this checked out, that checked out, and they don't do any disability work and then they don't get anything. They don't get any compensation from the VA, and then they're out and they're trying to deal with this stuff and they don't have the money to do it. They don't have the resources to do it. I know a lot of guys that have been out 8, 9, 10 years now that are going back and trying to redo that VA stuff and it's virtually impossible For my personal view.
Speaker 3:I grew up in one of those houses where if you cried it was a guilt trip. I'll give you something to cry about. You didn't show emotion and talking to my oldest while they were in college, we started talking about generational trauma, without even realizing I was pushing that kind of mentality onto my kids. I'll give you something to cry about. You know, toughen up, be a man, especially with my sons. It took a lot for me to realize, almost too late, that I was pushing that same type of mentality onto my kids. Fortunately, i've grown a lot. As I've gotten older I've realized a lot of things that I'm doing wrong. But I know talking about wives I know Savage talked about his girlfriend, liam's wife. When I'm off, my wife instantly knows it. We've been married 28 years and I have a bad habit of. I bury everything deep down inside my gut and I explode it once like rooster. My addiction is rage.
Speaker 3:As a young Marine, as any of us, i think that we're in the military. We all pretty much joined the military, became functional alcoholics straight off the bat because, especially coming into the 90s, you were either a barracks rat you hung out in the barracks all the time and didn't do anything, or you drank away every paycheck, living paycheck to paycheck, because you were out looking for women and booze. I turned into that functional alcoholic and what finally snapped me out of it is we'd gotten into a bar fight one night in California and I was blown out of my shoes. I get back to my apartment and my wife is trying to help me and she grabs me by the shoulders and in my mind I'm back in that bar fight. I had her pinned against the wall and I was getting ready to put my hands on her and I finally snapped out of it. And for me, that's where I stopped with the alcohol Right now. These days, if I buy a six pack of beer, it'll sit in the refrigerator for two or three months. I'll have one while I'm grilling, and I have an addictive personality, like other people have talked about. So I was recently at a convention for my job at a casino of all damn places, and I specifically stayed out of the casino part because I know if I started throwing money into a slot machine or something I wasn't going to stop. But it's hard, i know.
Speaker 3:Savage, you talked about losing your mom and four years ago I lost my mom to cancer and it was the same thing. My mom was my rock. I lost my dad at seven years old. I really didn't know him. My stepdad was don't get me wrong we had food on the table, we had shirts on our back. We grew up on a farm. We didn't want for anything but, like I was mentioning before, we lost power was my sister and I. We were the red literally the redheaded stepchildren, except I've got a luscious locks of darkest gray hair right now. But you know we didn't do it, me and my sister. We never did anything right and my stepbrothers never did anything wrong. You know I didn't take the same path as them. I was a musician and band and it was like my stepdad never showed up to that stuff, never missed a basketball game for my stepbrothers And I developed a lot of anger about that.
Speaker 3:And, going back to what Rooster said, that rage, that anger, that was my addiction. I fight daily to not fly off the handle over little things. Now I came in a little bit ago and then lost my power again. I didn't catch who was talking about medication, but I'm telling you, probably the best thing that happened was my pain management doctor for some of my back injuries put me on a medication for pain management but it has a side effect for anxiety and that's helped me out a lot because I had a lot of medical anxiety after losing my mom. Every little bump, every little bruise, every little cough, that wasn't normal. Oh God, i'm dying of cancer because my mom went fast And it's. I'm not saying I'm a hyper-contract at that level, but I do have a lot of medical anxiety if I'm watching my mom go like that and I work in a job field where we deal with death on a very regular basis. So for me it's to be honest with you finding this group, all you guys, the Pagan Project, some of the Discord servers were in Tearson Hall, it's it's finding this has helped me a lot.
Speaker 3:Participate in the Lee. I'm asking me if I want to be part of the Pagan Project. That was just awesome for me because it gives me something to focus on. It's we're doing something for people, we're giving back and and it makes you feel good. I mean I'm. If I had the money to do it, i'd give a, i'd do it and give away every month, every week. But it's finding everybody and finding people willing to talk. I know Magnus was a is a veteran cyber. I know you're a veteran Rooster. I don't know if you guys Savage you guys, i don't know if any of you guys were in the military, but it's finding other veterans of that different age group that's willing to talk. Because that's the other problem we have is we're usually not willing to talk. We might talk to each other in small groups but on. But on the big picture veterans, we usually won't talk about our problems, even if it's not military related.
Speaker 2:I know, i know, i know Liam got something to say, so I want to let Liam go, and then we'll let Magnus talk.
Speaker 4:I don't have a whole lot. I just want to add in the remix saying by everybody in here, being a vet I'm not one, I was a fucking dependent for a little while, just so you guys are clear on that. Okay, so mad respect to you guys and the shit you got to deal with. I don't know what it's like on the first hand, dude, i was just, you know, the military wife.
Speaker 5:I'm not military either, but I am a veteran veteran of the streets, homie.
Speaker 3:You probably saw him in combat in the streets than I did in Iraq.
Speaker 2:I was in for weight homie.
Speaker 2:I will never take away what my brothers and sisters have been through. They've been through a hell of a lot worse than I ever will be or have seen. I can't. There's people that aren't even in the military that have seen more things than I have seen in my life. I just talked to someone the other day that I can't even fathom what he just had to do the other day. So that's a conversation for a whole. Nother time. It's not my story to tell, but it's bad And so things that I've seen and heard of. I can't fathom how some people deal with it. But this is. This is why this is so important to me and why I want to push just beyond just a month and beyond just this episode and everything else is because if you feel you have no one to talk to, if you feel you have nowhere to go to, that is why we have the issues we have.
Speaker 3:Yeah, but even for Liam. I hear that a lot out of dependents. I was only a dependent, but I don't think our families realize and we're not good at telling them, we're not good at telling them at all from the veteran community. The families at home don't realize how much they actually mean to us and our service, and I mean there for a long time. my wife is used to me being gone longer than I was home and you know what equated to a year in Iraq, a six month training up here, two months there, four months there. I mean hell. to this day I don't know where the checkbook is, because that's the type of stuff that my wife handled. She handled everything. She handled three kids. when I went to Iraq We had two in diapers and our oldest was in elementary school.
Speaker 3:That's my first deployment, so so I leave them all, i hope every the military families. I hope they understand how important they are to us for deployed, because if you're worrying about stuff going on at home, you're worried about the bills not getting paid or you're the one that has to take care of everything. that takes a huge chunk of stress out of your life. And I've dealt with the young guys that got married, you know, and Magnus Cyber, you guys that were in the Army and the Air Force. I know it's the same story. The only thing that changes is the names of the places that that young E1 that shows up and finances a 1975 Mustang at 17% interest and marries a stripper because she loves him.
Speaker 2:It's probably 28% interest these days You're not wrong.
Speaker 3:And then when you're deployed they get the Dear John letter or they get the video or they get the buddy telling them Hey man, there's like a you know, somebody set up a barbershop ticket thing outside your front door and dudes are running through it like it's nothing. And for those of us that never had to deal with that knew we had a stable house at home. That meant a lot And it took a lot of that mental health off. And even now I said my in. What's really helped my wife to is finding this group, especially the women in our community, the strong women out there like White Wolf and and Kara and all them that are helping my wife because she's really new to this path And I'm not been on it that long. But I've seen a big change in my wife to where she just doesn't put up with my bullshit anymore And I'm going to blame. I'm going to blame Amanda and Kara and all them for that. But Rooster, it's always Rooster's fault.
Speaker 3:Rooster's fault, But yeah it's just I can say I'm like you, Cyber, where I've been lucky in my support system. I've never there's been a few really dark times where I've said on the corner of the bed and the pistol was arms reach away And I thought that maybe the world might be better without me in it. And then my self preservation mode, my I love me kicked in And I think back to the people that I've actually lost to, to suicide and everything else. And it's like we just recently had one of our employees at the fire department. She committed suicide. She was the fire department mom. She was like Robin Williams. She walked in, she was always happy, She lit up the room, She had a smile on her face.
Speaker 3:If you didn't hear from her, if she didn't hear from you for a day, you were getting a nasty text message, team's message or phone call wanting to know what's going on. And me and one of the other deputy fire marshals had lunch with her on a Wednesday and Friday. She killed herself And we have racked our brains since that day trying to figure out did we miss something? Did she say something? Was she acting different? And to this day there's nothing we could think of, But it's. I don't know if it helps anybody, if it helps any men that are sitting around thinking about doing it, But we're not hurting ourselves. We're gone, We're dead. It's the people we leave behind with unanswered questions and kids that will never see dad anymore And and.
Speaker 2:Ruse, sir, I know you want to say something.
Speaker 6:You know, i covered this in my first video about the clown in the room. Remus, don't beat yourself up about it, buddy, you're never going to know. See, that's the thing about the clown. We have become such a debt masters at masking our pain. You will never know when a clown is hurting, because our sole goal is to make you smile. So when you finally get to that point, to where we're done, there's no warning, there's no nothing. We just out, yeah.
Speaker 5:And that's exactly.
Speaker 6:I have attempted suicide more times than I can count, like I literally lost count. The first and the last time I attended both was by firearm, both times around it and detonate And I can guarantee you I can go grab my sidearm right now, pull the trigger. It goes off. But for some reason those two times it never went off.
Speaker 2:Man, you will have a discussion about that one later. Rooster, We can talk about the why.
Speaker 6:We can. Actually, i'm going to be honest with you because I am the clown right And most of these guys who have sat with VC with me. No, i'm the clown. I will post, i will make jokes. Some of them there's just assomnily stupid, but the goal is to make you smile, but inside I am dying. I am literally pulling myself apart.
Speaker 6:As a matter of fact, one night I was in VC with Cyber, with Liam, and I believe it was Rain and Valkyrie that was in there with us Cutting up, having a good time. Do you know? I walked in the house after I got off that VC, ate a half a bottle of sleeping pills and, laid down, had every intention of never waking back up again. No intention, you know what? My wife never even knew For the time. No, didn't care. I tried to kill myself four times. Each time, each time, each time, when I told these guys goodnight. That was going to be my last time telling them goodnight. I had every intention of ending it. I've been there.
Speaker 6:I know what it's like to be the clown and not give anybody any kind of idea of hey, was he hurting? Was he in danger? There is no warning, buddy. Don't rack your brain about it, because you'll never find an answer And all you're doing is hurting yourself even more by stressing you What did I miss? You didn't miss anything, bud. We're just really good at lying to your face and saying I'm all right. It's not you, bud, so don't rack yourself with it. There's nothing you're going to find.
Speaker 3:And unfortunately I'm smart enough. My logical brain knows that I said I've lost. I've put more young Marines in the ground stateside. I was fortunate I didn't lose anybody and either one of my deployments Now my second deployment. I mean we were pretty much fob And so we didn't leave the fob.
Speaker 6:But Remus, you're North Carolina bound, right? Yeah, so you know, i know what you're. I know what you're going through whenever people talk about. You know the loss and everything from military. I was United States Army. I was an 88 Mike. You know that used to be, i don't speak.
Speaker 6:I was a truck driver, i was a double clutching gear shift and son of a bitch, as top used to put it. But you know, my first tech, my first tick talk name was screaming 88. But a tick talker who is now more than famous accused me of being a new see. So I actually left tick top because of it without any information on me, just because my my tick talk handle was screaming 88.
Speaker 2:Well, I didn't ask me.
Speaker 6:And so you know been there Yeah.
Speaker 2:And so here's the thing You're not wrong, rooster, and this is why I mean you. This is why I love when you come at me with videos on tick talk and you give your opinion, your feedback, on the exact same thing, only put a different twist on it, because I think we need that, because, again, different perspectives, you see things from a different angle and it helps different people And, as the thing is, we're not going to reach all the same people and not everybody thinks the same way. I'm saying that, magnus. I had to turn Magnus's mic down a little bit because he was really loud, so hopefully he doesn't come in as loud as.
Speaker 6:I was on his head. He speaks from the diaphragm.
Speaker 2:Talk to us, my buddy, my brother, about. So as far as mental health goes, men's mental health more specifically, you know there's a lot of issues we see. I know you know, even knowing you in seeing where you came from and where you're at now, have dealt with a lot. You know kind of some of the issues we face that people don't see and then how you deal, different coping mechanism, different ways. We can help each other. You know advice, you can give anything.
Speaker 7:Okay, so I mean Rooster. whatever he said, the clowns are the best at hiding it 100% Like.
Speaker 7:I couldn't have said it any better, but I have like, whenever I first got out the first year wasn't that bad because I was still unwinding, but uh, but like, personally, i've sat there with a gun in my hand just contemplating it and just being like, is it worth it? Like what am I supposed to do anymore? Like I don't have a purpose or I don't have a direction to go in, and that that itself, the whole direction, is hard whenever you get out, because I mean being in, i mean regardless of even if you were in, like being a civilian. Like men are completely different from women whenever it comes to, like mental health shit. They want to be, not want to be. They need to be, like reassured and validated and whatnot.
Speaker 7:I've talked to my therapist, i've talked to plenty of therapists. Like men aren't the same way. You give us a direction, you give us a cause, you give us something to do and it's done. It's easier, like we just shut up and do it. You give us a purpose and we go after it And like I've I spent a few years in the army. I went here and there. I don't know how much I'm allowed to tell. That's always that thin line, isn't?
Speaker 5:it Yeah.
Speaker 7:That's always an interesting one because you feel like a jackass saying it, but you still know. Okay, here I've been to Afghanistan twice and Africa once, and like.
Speaker 7:I've, i've, i've had phone calls from friends who were like sitting there with guns, wanting to to finish it, just wanted to check out. And Primus said it earlier like you don't just stop the pain, like it just doesn't stop, you just hand it off to somebody else. And that's one thing I tell my guys all the time whenever they call. It's exhausting. But I tell my guys all the time call me, i don't care what time it is, i don't care what day it is, let me know. Like I will sit there and talk to you for hours And I don't know where I was going with this. But I mean, i'm just, i'm just talking now.
Speaker 2:But it's true, it's one of those things where it sounds cliche, right, because unless you've been there you don't know what goes through the mind at that time. Yeah, and so to sit there and say, oh well, let's see What is it, it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It's not. You know, you're leaving the pain and somebody else is taking on. You can give all these things, but at that point in time and let's be honest, at that point in time that's not what you're thinking about. Yeah, you care about. What you're thinking about is that you're done, you're exhausted, you're mentally drained, you're emotionally drained, you're physically spent, you just have no urge. So it takes that phone call, it takes somebody stepping in and proving and showing that you have a purpose, you have a reason, because I will still stand by this.
Speaker 2:Men need a purpose. They need a reason. I think most people do, but more specifically men because of genetically, historically and everything else. Without that purpose, it makes it very difficult to continue, because then you just sit there and you're going through the motions, kind of like we're talking to dysfunctional earlier. I think that kind of lends to that mindset of autonomy and just going through the motions is what's your purpose anymore. What are you doing? What are you providing? What is the reason to do what you're doing? And if you don't feel that, it makes it very difficult. However, and I think that lends to it.
Speaker 6:However, cyber, like I said, my video response to you, buddy, you have to remember there are those of us who we didn't choose the darkness, the darkness chose us. I've spent my entire life ensuring that my non-existence did not in any way shape or form phase anyone else.
Speaker 2:Well, I screwed on that one, because now it would.
Speaker 6:My kids are set to where they will not feel any kind of like upset from it. They are completely, 100% self-sufficient. To the point where all of my kids now say they hate me And that's fine, i want them to hate me. If they hate me, then there's no loss. There's no feel of hurt, pain, misery, nothing. My kids hate me, that's fine by me. That was their choice. They chose that path. I allowed them to choose that path. Do I agree with it? No, but they chose it. It's their life.
Speaker 6:So the dozens of times I have tried to 86 myself, the reasoning in my head wasn't a matter of just being done. It was I've gotten so comfortable with it, the darkness, and made the darkness so much my friend that I'm just at peace with it. So the thought of the absence of any light doesn't bother me anymore. So the reason why I've always done the jobs that I do, all my jobs that I've ever taken, were jobs where you have their high risk, you have a good chance of gone. Whether it was the army taking 88 mic position, dude, y'all know as well as I do What was the most targeted damn units during the war. Oh boy, there was a reason I chose that. I had no intention of coming home, none.
Speaker 6:And then I got medical which turned into a psych, and then I got yeeted out the front door like yesterday's garbage which still hurts, by the way, because I come from a legacy military family. We have fought and died in every major conflict since the inception of the country, so understand that not everybody's perception of what the end will look like or what will be left behind is the same, and I think that's the reason why I've tried to start gearing my page towards men's mental health. It's because you can't get me darker than where I live in my existence. You can't, it's impossible. So if I can help one person, one person not live in the same world I live in, then my life's been a success. I am OK.
Speaker 2:Savage, you got something to say, brother, Yeah.
Speaker 5:So I got two things I want to say. So recently there was this study that was long. So there was these people that had these brain injuries And what it did was it affected some area of the pituitary gland in the blood process and the way that things process. That they actually had no fear. So anything that we had, that you have like a natural fear of spiders, heights, fire, burning yourself, things like that these people just buy because of these injuries. They didn't have that.
Speaker 5:So scientists wanted to see is there a universal fear? Is there a universal fear? Is there something that is not? So they did this experiment where they overloaded their systems with carbon dioxide And what ends up happening is when you overload the system with carbon dioxide, your brain automatically thinks that you're shutting down and you're dying. And the only thing that affected these people and they put these people through, they threw them in pits of snakes. They like spiders everywhere, every fear known to man, clowns, whatever And there was no response. It was only until they felt their neural system shutting down and they were going to die that these people actually fell to you.
Speaker 5:So there's this innate human fear of death, and I know that there was times where I definitely did not want to live, but I'm too much of a bitch to ask the bulletron. So I did everything I possibly could to take myself out in other ways, whether that was loading my body up with the amount of drugs that could drop five fucking elephants in Sri Lanka but still kept going. Or if it was just dangerous as doing wheelies at 130 on the 995 through New York trying to hopefully my bike will dump. But always at the last second when these things come, i know personally myself. There's always this last fight, there's this last fucking gas for it And it's like fuck, i really do want to live. And we were talking about purpose And we were talking about you guys were talking about purpose And we were talking about a man's reason for being So.
Speaker 5:For a very long time in my 20s and my 30s, my purpose was that of a father. I was a son, i was the coach on my kid's CYL basketball team, i was a chef. I was well respected in my community And after my accident a lot of these things went away And what ended up happening to me with that was that I felt like I had lost my purpose. I had these titles that I had. I put so much fucking value on them that when they were taken from me because my kids don't speak to me either because of those things that I did in my addiction, and when they didn't want to talk to me and my daughters I had them at least on the phone that they were happy without me in their life.
Speaker 5:That was a point where my purpose was God And I didn't want to be there anymore. I don't want to be here anymore, but through the work that I've done and the things that I've done, working on myself, i had to realize that my purpose I have to have a purpose for me And I can't look at other people's outside validation of who I am in order to give value to the person that I am. And I've realized that if I give value to the person that I am and I love myself, miraculously, outside forces put more value on me and put more love towards me. Once I realized that, like you know, once I realized that, like and I stood up, and you know, i looked up in the sky, in the middle of the country, and I looked at all those stars and realized each one of them is a fucking sun when planets are wobbling around them And I am nothing in this fucking universe except a small little cog. But then I realized that that little cog is what is me, the world go round and which way makes the realms maneuver.
Speaker 5:So once I realized that that little cog and that's my part, like I started just playing my part and not trying to be on a grander scale or a lesser scale, that's when I really started having peace and a lot of breakthroughs with my mental health. You know like it's. You know like I always say this like you don't never see fucking Derek Jeter. You never saw Derek Jeter covering right field. He was a shortstop. He played his position. He played his position very well And because of that he was on extremely successful team That gave him a greater purpose. So as long as I play my position in this world, i get myself feeling like I have purpose.
Speaker 6:Yeah, that's a little show and tell real quick. I don't know if the camera's gonna pick it up. That's it. That's the last magic one, that's the one that didn't detonate.
Speaker 6:Now I can assure you, just assure, the day is long and my jump wakes up 30 minutes before I do. I can load chamber and discharge this weapon. Now do I know what my purpose is? Absolutely not. Can't say not for me to say Have the gods revealed it to me yet? No, no, they haven't. Are they going to? Probably not. Why? Because our gods are dicks. Why I love them? They are.
Speaker 6:But you know, valkyrie asked me one night, you know, why do I hold on to them? Why do I hold on to those two bullets? And the answer is simple It's a constant reminder. It's a constant reminder of how big of a failure I am. I have literally failed at everything I've ever done in my life, including trying to end that shit. I hate it And everybody's like well, aren't you worried about being a failure? No, because once you hit that level of failure where you can't even off your fucking self, like, come on, i have tried hanging, i have tried pills, i have tried suffocation. Like I shut my respirator system off while in a tank welding, who the fuck knows that? I mean, come on, like you want to talk about carbon dioxide inhalation, try having your lungs filled with argon, you essentially suffocate yourself.
Speaker 5:Oh God, fuck myself.
Speaker 6:What's that.
Speaker 5:What's that? What's that.
Speaker 6:And that's the point. I have literally tried everything and I can't get it right. So am I getting like right? No, my life is a fucking shit show. I'm homeless, right, i'm barely paying my fucking car note, my insurance note. I'm struggling, trying to get together this freaking giveaway, which is probably gonna be a multipartner, with all the shit that I'm putting together. But it is what it is. It's like. You know, my life is nothing but darkness and struggle. But, like I said, if I can prevent one man, one for me to get close to what I've had to deal with whether it's the DV survival stuff, whether it's the SA survival stuff, whether it's the attempt to suicide anything I'm gonna do it, even if it puts me further in debt, even if it puts me further away from my goal.
Speaker 5:Can I give you a suggestion? Sure, All right. So there's a thing called altruism, right, You know what that word means. I mean it's to give without any expectation of receiving, It's just to give to the purpose of giving. So now, from what I'm hearing, like financial, you're not really in a position to give away material objects, Like I'm not either, you know at all. So like I try and do what I can by like what I'm good at. I'm good at making content, I'm good at bringing attention to things. So, like you know, I try with the Pagan project to bring as much attention to it as I possibly can right Now. I could bring more even. But here's the thing that I think since you've tried so many times and you failed, and you know if you can be successful at helping one person through it, why not volunteer your time to a suicide hotline? Why not go, like, two hours a week where your cell phone is active, through one of these databases where somebody calls the National Suicide Hotline and you're on the other end of it?
Speaker 6:I did actually believe it or not. When I was still living in North Carolina I was doing and you know I caught a lot of heat from a lot of people for this next part I actually had an outreach program dealing with the AFA and the KKK. My outreach program was directed towards reeducation and rehabilitation, specifically in the prison system, because there's a lot of stuff about that that not a lot of people realized. A lot of that stuff is they don't have a choice. They're kind of back in the corner, right, so they have to choose the lesser of the evils in order to survive that situation. But when they come out they keep it going because they're still in a constipated survival mode. So what I did is I kept my. I actually worked with a suicide prevention hotline at the same time while working with, you know, helping people understand that, especially those who worked within the AFA portion of the prison system, to kind of keep them on the straight and narrow.
Speaker 6:It got to the point where with the suicide hotline that I actually felt like I wasn't making enough of a difference And it sent me into a downward spiral. One night And I drank a whole bunch of liquor, ate a whole bunch of pills And you know I didn't call nobody What about to? So it was one of those types of things where I felt guilty because I felt like I wasn't making enough of a difference. Even though I was working those hotlines as hard and as hard as I could, i still felt like I wasn't making a big enough dip. And one night I just hit a down spiral and it went belly up.
Speaker 5:So, I have tried it but you know what that was, that that down with spiral. Talked about it early. That was the.
Speaker 6:Survivors remorse.
Speaker 5:No, that was ego. That was you judging yourself that you weren't doing enough. I'm putting an insane amount of pressure trying to save the world. You're gonna put a cape on play, captain. Save a hoe. You know what I mean. Like you got a freaking, you know.
Speaker 2:No, because I do. I've done the same thing to myself. It took me a long while, even with what I do, because of motivation, because of everything I've been putting out and everything I do. I mean, you have talked about it even the numbers we pull you see me pull it Which is a little to nothing compared to a lot of other people out there, comes out of ego.
Speaker 2:I should be doing more. This should mean something gets matter to people which do this. I should be able to save more. I should be able to hear more, and we don't hear that. Again, your ego tells you I should be able to do more, i'm able to do this, i can do all this, but I'm not. So then it sends you while am I doing the right thing? is this? Why am I not doing? does it matter? Does anything I do matter? Is it all matter? Is it ever matter? And so you're not wrong. That's why I've had to change my mindset to if one person work with one person Reaches out to me and says what you have said or done matters, that I am doing the right thing.
Speaker 6:I just want to pause real quick because I don't think I've really ever conveyed exactly how much I appreciate you. Save my ass. That night For those of y'all don't know kind of cyber kind of bailed me out in a bad situation Me too. It's been a few months back And he kind of really saved my ass. That was another one of them nights where you know, after not eating for a few days that that led to play, was looking really fucking good. But I want to say thank you literally from the bottom of my heart for bailing my ass out of that damn pit.
Speaker 2:But Thanks saying again in this world and We haven't gone out this for a while, so I'm gonna edit this part out that I'm saying right now And this world, we deal with a lot, we go through a lot as men. You're not on a show emotion and these days, if you show emotion is too much emotion Or it's not enough emotion and it gets confusing until we shut down and we say screw it, we're not gonna do any of it. We're gonna go through, we're gonna protect, we're gonna provide, we're gonna do what we can for our families and we're gonna move on. We're gonna keep pushing, we're gonna keep doing, we're gonna keep going. Not everybody can do that. Nobody's cut out for that.
Speaker 2:Some people actually need an outlet. Tiger, who was on here earlier, talked about it. He goes to the gym. I have talked about different outlets on mine. Whether it's the gym, meditation, playing video games, doing hobbies, whatever, building Lego, it does not matter. Whatever it is.
Speaker 2:For me It's creating content and trying to reach somebody else, trying to motivate others, trying to get people to understand that they belong here and look, there is a reason for you being here, whether you want to admit it or Not. So by checking out early, you are, then condemning somebody else because they needed you. They Needed you. You may not see it yet, you may not know it yet, but somebody needs you that you don't realize. You were checking out early and until somebody else called you home, wherever that home may be, you're not allowed Because you were now.
Speaker 2:Not only are you taking away The possibility for you to help somebody in Rooster, you said it, you've helped one person, you've helped two people. You've helped people. You may not realize it, but you have Without you. Now that's how many people less Without you, savage, without you and your comedy and your ability to give information, with everything that you do for this community and for everybody else. Look, you've been through some hard times. You've done things I've never done in my life. You have given purpose to people, you have given comedy to people and you have given people a reason to watch you as often as possible. Even I pulled you up on YouTube every chance I see your beautiful gray white beard. I click the button.
Speaker 5:It's white. I'm so hate.
Speaker 2:Liam, my brother, is one of the reasons we started the pagan project and one of the reasons that I have been able to do what I do and give away What I give away and give back to who I give back to. Without Liam Savage, i would not know you and probably, until maybe I don't know a week or two ago, when you eventually may have scored across my FYP, you may not have got without Liam. Actually, let's be honest, you definitely wouldn't got it without Liam. Yeah, absolutely. Remus down here, who has brought comedy and envision and and life in light to so many people What are you seriously like? how can you say no to that face in? we're still working on his news Broadcasting capabilities. We're working on it. We're gonna get there. We're gonna perfect it. It's gonna become. It's gonna become perfect here shortly, but at the end of the day, it's providing something and everybody. Hold your territory as safe someone.
Speaker 4:Yeah. So at the end of the day, to Richard, to put that in that show on what Derek was saying You're our bitch, we own you. Hey, cyber, edit this part out. But yeah, you're ours motherfucker, and it's been like this fucking fellowship before that. So, like that's why I was telling you the other day, dude, when I was like you matter, and you're like no, i don't, i was like motherfucker, yes, you do. Because like, rather, it's something you see every single day. Dude, you're still important to some people and even if it's I'm just sitting on a toilet taking a shit And I think about you. You still come across my fucking mind, bro, like you're a part of my life.
Speaker 6:Oh, come across somebody's mom brother, it's not while you're wiping.
Speaker 4:You're here now, man, and you're fucking here. So like we've picked the time, guys, some of us It's been years, some of us it's been. We got these relationships and we have these connections and It might not seem like it, but they're real. And when I was, everybody on my content too. These are real humans behind these fucking screens. We know this, dude. So like we still feel for each other and relate to each other and think about each other, so you keep your fucking ass here.
Speaker 2:Otherwise, i don't know, i'm gonna have to beat up a dead guy and that's probably found upon We'll go to, the Norns will go to somebody will bring his ass back just to do it, and we all, we all have to be there for, you know, for the pagan festival at Williams house.
Speaker 5:Where is that?
Speaker 2:again, i'm when we don't win, but it's next year.
Speaker 4:Yep next year. We don't know the date, and fuck you if you ask me for the flag.
Speaker 6:We're playing capture the flag.
Speaker 2:As we're getting into the end. So this is how they show roles. And then we're one of the question. And then what We'll do is we could jump in this core. We could jump in somebody's live. I'll go on the pagan project and jump on somebody's lab. I just gonna make sure I don't say bad words.
Speaker 2:How the show rules is we always give words of wisdom and some type of advice at the end. Unfortunately, everybody else has had to drop, whether it's been tiger or Magnus, who his phone got way too hot and the battery died, or even dysfunctional, who's working. So for the four people here, we're gonna go around the room, no interruptions, and allow them each to give words of wisdom, and at this point I want them to be about men's mental health. So I will introduce it and then we're gonna go around. We'll start with savage work away all the way around the rooster. You will be last.
Speaker 2:So when we get started, as we come to the end of this episode, as we come to another Very important topic, as you all know, i always end with some words of wisdom. This time It's not gonna come from me. Everybody here has been through some things. Everybody here has dealt with some things. They go far beyond a lot of the information I can give that I have not given already. So, with that being said, we are going to go around and we are going to allow The gentlemen in this room to give their words of wisdom, their pieces of advice and anything else they can give before We sign off for the episode saying that savage, please go ahead.
Speaker 5:One of the things is, you know, we're coming in the end of men's mental health month and this shouldn't just be a month one thing. This should be a daily thing. You know, we, we, we've been, i've been told my whole life and raise my whole life to just suck it up and be a man bought. Like you know, until I got around people, i was comfortable and I could drop that mask and I could be the real person around Around them that I really want to be. And you know talk about my fears, my desires, my goals and being not only not left out but encouraged. So, at the end of the day, my biggest advice to everyone out there is to drop your guard and find your truck.
Speaker 2:Definitely, definitely. I think that's a big part of it. That's one of the things that I think we have found, savage, i talked to you as often as I can about whether it's content or just how things are going, and I hope to continue going that forward and taking it into. You know, just Building that, that bridge even more and making it stronger. Liam, go ahead.
Speaker 4:I'm not anybody to give anybody advice, but if I could put something out there that might help Somebody. It's probably Really it is hard as it sounds and it's kind of a cliche to is. We really need to learn how to prioritize ourself, because we all know how old saying goes like you can't be like the best you for other people if you're fucked up. You know I mean. A lot of times it's easier for us to just put ourselves on a back burner to you know, make our significant other feel better or, but also not your time. But the problem is this perpetual we keep doing it and we keep doing it, and we keep doing it and it becomes detrimental to us. So you have to find that way You'll be able to focus on you in your outlets and things that are gonna bring you happiness, even if it's temporary. You're gonna need something periodically to keep yourself leveled out and in some way to stay focused on things. It's where you don't really anything. That's too crazy and Even though it's hard, we need to remind ourselves that we do fucking matter where a person. There are people that give a shit about us. Rather we admit it or realize it or not. You know it's, it's. It is all about us, but it's not all about us. You know what I mean.
Speaker 4:At the same time, put yourself as a priority. This way you can take care of yourself And then you can be even better for everybody else. And don't be scared to build trust with motherfuckers. We all know how to. You know where the food of armor like oh, i'm such a badass And you know I'm not gonna talk about this and you know whatever, like I come from the street life, i can't from this or whatever, but I'm tough. Fuck that shit, dude. But you don't need that facade anymore. You can still be where you're from and what you're about, and still feel famous and experience things on human level, because, at the end of the day, were men, were still humans. We still feel things and sometimes it's overwhelming, but we're never alone. There's always somebody on this fucking planet seven billion humans There's somebody that can relate to your story very closely. He's got to try to build those connections and find them so that we're not alone. Yeah, just focus on you, build trust with people and remember that you matter. There's multiple people at any given time of the day.
Speaker 2:Yeah, definitely, that is the biggest thing. Is you matter? Focus it on your yourself. We do, we prioritize. We prioritize everybody else so often and it's something we forget about his prioritizing Ourselves and our mental health and being able to build ourselves up and be stronger, because if you're not good, you can't project good. So I'm saying that, david Remus, go ahead, man, wow.
Speaker 3:I think the biggest thing, one thing in our Discord server everybody knows Redline, or I think you are guys all know Redline We started noticing that we were having a lot of stress among the mod team, the admin team, because of you know, if Norris Talk has anything, it's got drama, and so Redline implemented something. You know, if you've seen Ted, you know what Thunderbodies are, so we've got Thunderbodies. You know, every day we try to at least message somebody, at least one person hey, how are you doing today, how's everything going? Because what we notice and I think this group here, especially you guys, you know it's what White Wolf refers to as the strong ones, the people that are always worried about somebody else checking on somebody else. Well, the strong ones need checked on too. So make sure you're checking on the helpers, the strong ones. You can take two minutes out of your time each day just to give somebody a random message, say hey man, how's your day going?
Speaker 3:Cyber tagged me in his first Men's Mental Health video that he did on TikTok And I was like, wow, that's so cool. Cyber was thinking about me today And you know you kind of got that. Hey, man, you know somebody I only know through social media cared enough to tag me in that video just so I would see it. See his message about take care of yourself And, like Savage and Liambo said, you know we got to take care of ourselves, because the most dangerous phrase that ever comes out of a man or a dad's mouth is everything's fine, everything's okay, i'm okay, dad's okay because we all know he's not.
Speaker 3:And when you do get that phone call from somebody, just face the fact that maybe that person just needs 30, 45 minutes of just verbal regurgitation. They just need to vent, they just need to talk. They don't need you to fix them. They don't need you to fix their problem. They just need somebody that's willing to listen to them And at the end of the day, say I hope tomorrow's better and give me a call if you need me. So for me, i think that's one of the biggest things I've learned dealing with people in crisis situations is he can't. Not everybody wants to be fixed. That's not what they're looking for. They just need somebody to listen and be willing to be that person that listens.
Speaker 2:Yeah, definitely That is. That is one of the biggest things I think us as men have a problem with, though, is not being the fixer. One of our biggest issues is because of who we are, because of what we want to do. Is we want to fix everything?
Speaker 2:Me and my wife have gone down that route numerous occasions of me trying to fix things that I cannot fix. It is just her trying to vent and she's like shut up, i don't need you to fix it, i just need you to listen. Shut up, listen, okay. So what do you need me to do? Not to shut up and listen. So.
Speaker 2:So again, when you are a fixer, when you are someone that does that and most men are becomes very difficult to put that on the back burner, for, yes, we need to learn to do that. Not only do we need to learn to open up and actually vent to people and get our problems out there. If it's for no other reason, just to yell, scream and vent, we need to learn to shut the hell up, listen and just be a shoulder, nothing more. Don't come up with solutions, don't try to fix it, literally just listen. Let someone know you were there for them, give them a hug, maybe a pat on the ass and say good game and be done with it And that's it. That's all they need. We just need to know when that is and when things need to fix. Rooster Last on the list, brother. Go ahead, man.
Speaker 6:Oh, what's the best way to do this? Well, let's do it the way I would if I was making a tech talk, how y'all Rooster here. So let's talk about it. We all face our respective demons, monsters, darkness, whatever you want to call it.
Speaker 6:We can't continuously say I'm okay. I know that's our default. Hell. That's generally just what we're going to tell anybody is I'm okay. But it's already been said And, as I've said in one of my previous videos, if your man looks at you and says I'm okay or I'm all right or hell, i'll figure it out, chances are 99% of the time they're lying straight to your damn face. It's a cold, hard truth. Unfortunately, as somebody who has walked through just about every aspect of things that would make normal people curl up and suck your thumbs and cry to the mama, i have seen death in every possible form. I'm old friends with him, not just because I shook his hand more than once myself, but because I've put more than my fair share in the ground.
Speaker 6:We don't get to choose how our lives play out. That's already been predestined. We just get the choice of which path we take. You know they say there's an old saying that blood is thicker than water. But not a lot of people realize that. Well, that's only part of that poem. It's the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.
Speaker 6:So you see, when you say the full poem, it changes the context of the saying itself. It's saying that the family that you choose is a bond that will always be stronger than the family you're born into. Not because you don't have something in common with your blood family, it's. There's something in a spiritual level that you have with those you choose to call family, and I'm thankful that I get to call these crazy SOBs family. Some of them had seen me at my worst. Some haven't gotten that luxury yet.
Speaker 6:But if I could part one simple piece of wisdom, take it from somebody who has gone that route, who's tried to cancel their subscription to life. What's the point? You don't think that shitting will follow you into the afterlife? Think again. You know our gods, specifically, aren't really big fans of us 86 and ourselves. They have a purpose for us. They don't always tell us. Sometimes they want to figure it out ourselves. Find your purpose, even if it's the person. Find your safety, no matter what it is. Whether you're forging blades, you're blowing stuff up, whatever it takes. Find your thing that brings silence to your mind and embrace it, because that outcome is far better than just lights out. And with that I'll turn it back over to our lovely host and, as always, much love, bruce Dorel.
Speaker 2:Yeah, a lot said there. a lot I can't even carry on from. I said it all, but I will do this. Magnus has charged his phone and it's no longer overheating, So I will allow Magnus to give on this episode his final words of wisdom before we go off air.
Speaker 7:Yeah, sorry about that.
Speaker 5:Are you playing the guitar Like? could you leave like one bitch on the planet for the rest of us, please? I mean but regardless.
Speaker 7:I've been savage Yeah, even though you don't somebody whoever's listening to this that you're having a hard time, even though you don't know what your purpose is. Hell, i don't know what my purpose is. I know I got one, though, But don't stop looking. And I mean, i've been on the phone while friends have committed, and I've been. I've had to clean up cousins who've committed, and you don't. I just want to. I want to really sink this in, because it doesn't take the pain away. Whenever you commit to something, whenever you commit your life to a temporary problem, a elongated problem, whatever you want to see it as. However you see it, like you don't take away the pain, you just pass it on to everybody else. And like I've been fighting for eight years trying to get mental health, trying to get therapists, trying to talk to people.
Speaker 7:And all of us have friends that aren't here anymore because of this or that reason And like, don't stop looking, don't give that pain to somebody else. You don't want to be an inconvenience. I understand. Like I get it, i really do.
Speaker 7:But we have to work on our own things because even just dying naturally hurts other people. Like it hurts whenever you can't talk to your friend anymore. It hurts whenever you can't talk to your dad anymore. Like I just got married yesterday and I was. I spent I don't know three hours on the phone with one of my friends and he's got four kids and a wife. And like he let his cancer. He got cancer in his neck and they don't know how bad it is right now. But like he was, he said my family are taking care of, and that's not true. If you're not there to do it yourself, you don't know how it's going to be done. Honestly, like you got to, you got to help yourself. You got to fight And I mean us veterans, we're pretty good at that, we're pretty good at being stubborn assholes, and I'm not saying that guys who aren't veterans don't, who don't fight or don't do anything like that.
Speaker 7:That's from my perspective, because I'm a veteran. Like we get the asshole coming out pretty good in us all the time. So like don't give into it, it hurts no matter what And it just depends on if you're hurting or somebody else is hurting. So how about you just deal with the problem, you do what you have to, you figure something out, we don't quit. We don't get to quit, like that's not our choice. Rooster said like Hey, our, our, our gods aren't too favorable about us ending it for ourselves, and that's right. Like it's a deviation of a path that you're supposed to take. And I understand it's hard And I'm getting yelled at from the other room by women.
Speaker 2:To be fair. to be fair, magnus, i will say this and Rooster, who both said our gods, i will, i will say from from both sides of the spectrum, not all sides, because I don't know all sides, i will say I don't know any god, deity, gods, whatever you want to put on it, whatever term you want to put on it, that looks kindly upon you, decided to take it upon yourself to divert from the path they have chosen for you. So, unless you're an atheist, if you are an elastic, if you're a Christian, if you're a pagan, if you're whatever, give yourself a label, give yourself a name, it doesn't matter. None of them look kindly upon you diverting from the path they have chosen.
Speaker 7:Yep, and that's. That's 100% true. And like, as men, like we get overlooked a lot. Nobody asks like Hey, are you okay? whenever you're the strong one, nobody asks, nobody checks in. So I just want other men and I'm not saying it's primarily a man thing, as I'm pretty sure has been already stated in this but check in, do what you have to like, live honestly, live, not survive, that's a big one. Yeah, honestly live. Don't just survive, Because surviving is a state of panic and panic ingrains itself into you.
Speaker 2:But you're not wrong. Survival when you're in survival mode, you're not living. You're not living life and a lot of people one of the other comments we say I'm okay, I'm fine, i'm alive, i'm breathing, i'm here. Whatever term, whatever phrase you want to put on it, we've all said it, we all say it, probably on a daily basis almost. You're in survival mode. You're not living. No, you're not actually living to enjoy life. You are not going through and enjoying everything there in front of you And auto pilot man.
Speaker 2:A lot of people suffer from this. A lot of people are going to have issues with this. You have to find that reason of being, whether that's because you help others, whether that's because you have a family, whether that's because, whatever reason you give, i don't care if it's beating the next level in the new Zelda, i don't care. I don't care if you're waiting for the next Marvel movie to come out or the next Harry Potter series or Percy Jackson or whatever it is you're waiting for. I will end this episode on this. You are not allowed to quit. You're not allowed to give up. You're not allowed to surrender. You're a warrior until you die And not by you deciding to check out early. You're a warrior when the fates of whatever you believe in call you home, and at that point, and only at that point, are you allowed to check out and say my fight is done. Until you hit that point, until the fates call you home, you're not allowed to give up, you're not allowed to quit.
Speaker 2:Otherwise, i can't say anything that these gentlemen haven't already said. I can't say anything that anybody else on this episode is going to say. Anybody else on this episode has already said, quite and simple You belong here. I love you all. You're all my warriors, you're all my family, and I can't wait to hear any of you in the comments and the ratings and whatever else next time. So see you next time on Watt.
