Walk With Me - An Audio Guide for Self-Improvement
Walk With Me - An Audio Guide for Self-Improvement
Unveiling Men's Hidden Struggles: A Mental Health Awakening Ep. 1
Ever wondered why men's mental health often gets overlooked? Have you found yourself, or perhaps a loved one, disconnected from emotions, on autopilot, struggling to communicate about their mental health? This episode is a heartfelt discussion on this all too often glossed over topic. We're embracing our vulnerabilities and opening up about our personal experiences, the impact of being emotionally disconnected, and how this can profoundly affect our relationships. We also tackle the tell-tale signs of mental health issues, emphasizing the necessity of initiating a conversation about it, and the life-changing power of seeking support.
We journey deeper into the labyrinth of men's mental health, focusing on the invisible scars left by past traumas, and the importance of finding healthy ways to cope. We bravely face the lingering stigma around men's mental health and underline the necessity of speaking out. Through the inspirational stories shared by our guests, we illuminate the darkest corners of depression, anxiety, and addiction, and highlight the transformative power of prioritizing personal well-being for the sake of our families and relationships.
In our final act, we pull the curtains back on the concept of ego death and its pivotal role in the mental health journey. We delve into the essence of understanding our unique mental health struggles, and finding the right coping tools. We offer a glimpse into the myriad coping techniques out there, underscore the imperative of acknowledging our emotions, and advocate for self-love and validation. This episode isn't just a conversation; it's a clarion call to keep the conversation on men's mental health going beyond the awareness month. We aren't just sharing stories, tips, and advice; we're starting a movement. Join us.
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Passion, drive, persistence, resilience, love all qualities that shape and define us. Join the Cyber Warrior as he helps shape your path. This is Walk With Me. Welcome back to Walk With Me at Cyber Warrior Studios Productions. I'm your host on this journey, cyber Warrior.
Speaker 1:Now, with this being the very last week of Men's Mental Health Awareness Month, i felt it very important that I bring men onto this show that are dealing with a lot of different issues and have advice for other men that are out there. Now. Let me preface this by saying that this could become very emotional, very triggering and even some explicatives thrown about. Understand this is how we are dealing, this is how we are coping and this is how situations get resolved and sometimes dealt with in our lives. So nothing we say here is meant to offend anybody. It is truly just us trying to sort through the issues that we deal with on a day-to-day basis. So, without further ado, i hope you join me in welcoming many of the men that I have been looking up through for the past little while that have helped me. I've talked to them on a regular basis. We have Savage, david, tiger, balm and Liam And thank you, gentlemen, for joining me this evening And, of course, tiger has to come in in the comedy, because that's how we cope for a lot of things, but I also had this functional. He'll be joining us a little bit later and so he'll be here. Otherwise, look, gentlemen, thank you for joining me this evening. This is a very important topic and something I hope that we can take beyond the month and something we can talk about more. As people have noticed, my TikTok account has actually kind of gone that route of pushing more of the motivation and mental health awareness going forward, saying that So yeah, this functional. I just wanted to ask I mean, i know me and you have had a lot of conversations over. All of us had conversations over the course of time. We've known each other And I know me and you talked about it recently about kind of being in autopilot mode And when you're dealing with things like men's mental health and just mental health in general. I think that is a feeling that we can all recognize. So, with that, would you kind of like to give kind of a little bit of backstory on how that's affecting you and kind of where you're at in that situation And if there's any advice or any questions you have for anybody on kind of how to deal with it.
Speaker 1:So it kind of hit me yesterday, last night, i was trying to do my job and normally I'm very happy, i'm very uplifting, i'm trying to cheer everybody up. I couldn't, i wasn't happy about anything, and it hit me. I haven't been happy, like emotionally truly happy, for some time. And I thought about it and I was on autopilot, i was just going through the motions, i was doing my job, i was smiling at the jokes, i was laughing at the jokes, i smiled when my kids did something, but I didn't feel anything And that's it. And I tried to figure out how long it's been like that And I don't know.
Speaker 1:So after I got home from work last night and I had a very brief conversation in the channel, i talked to my wife about it And she asked me you know, if it was something to do with her, which is her go to, and it really wasn't, but I don't know where else I can go to. Besides, you know guys who've been through it And it was just odd. I felt completely and totally off, Like all of my emotions had been turned off. Yeah, that's definitely a hard situation to be in. I know, i've been there. I was talking about it before we started recording. You know my wife doesn't always pick up on it right away, but there are definitely signs of where she sees it. She knows something's off and something's wrong, but again, it's not always stated right. Sometimes we just come out of these things. But I don't know, as far as you know Leo, tiger or David, you know, what would you say is kind of the key factor on trying to deal with these situations. But I know we've all been. I'm definitely not the best one to try to say what would be the best way to deal with it Because, like Viking was just saying, i go through the same thing oftentimes And it's to the point where you don't notice it's happening.
Speaker 1:So you catch the way you're farming to like your loved ones, so you can get like kids, for example. They'll be really interested and want to show me something. Hey, daddy, look at this, look at this. And I either got to like fake it because I had just a general lack of interest, like even though it's like nothing fucking matters at that moment. You know what I mean And you don't realize you're doing it. Else observes it like your path maybe, and they mentioned it, of course, our go-to reaction Like no, i'm fine, you know, nothing's wrong. Like my wife does the same thing, like you guys were saying, so tell me, hey, babe, what's wrong with you? You know you need to go to the woods And I'm like no, there's always another day She's doing a bad thing. So, like you cut the off.
Speaker 1:I think, getting an opportunity to have a sit down, have a conversation with other guys that have experienced that We do this a lot, or at least I know I do. For sure You mix that and in some form of an outlet, like we've all got to have something. That is the way that we can go out and just like, let shit out. Rather it's, you know, beating up a tree or going out and screaming into the sky or something. You know, something that's not bad for our health and us. And we're working, we're through it that way. Maybe it's a reoccurring thing, you know, and it's really hard to get away from that. Like just said, we don't usually notice. It's been happening for a while. Yeah, can I jump off that talking point, william? Yeah, yeah, go ahead, tiger.
Speaker 1:Okay, i am nothing but outlets. That that's how I deal with it is to make sure I don't end up there, whether that be through, like you said, getting it out I do have a heavy bag or when it's really bad, or just for general practice. But you know, fitness on a daily basis is kind of my meditation And I think if we, whether it be working on a hobby a slight amount like don't, don't let it ruin your family life. You know an hour or two a day, you know just something that's yours that helps get you in that habit of normalcy. You know not where it's going to bring anxiety to your relationships, but I'm nothing but outlets, whether it be fitness, cooking that's another way. I stay pretty grounded Because I know mental health and happiness comes from diet as well, not just from taking joy of eating or eating in quantities as a coping mechanism, but more of keeping this drag race car that we have as a body going, because your brain is connected to that.
Speaker 1:So it's going to keep your body at a certain level. You also take your mind and consideration. But certainly are you guys familiar with the Helpers High? I've not heard of it, but I have a feeling I'm going to agree with you in a quick second because it's probably something I do on a regular basis. Okay. So with fitness, they use this at the VA a lot and that's kind of what got me down that road, because I got pretty depressed when the VA told me I wouldn't walk again. I was spending a lot of time there but they had these infographics about fitness and some of the chemicals that your brain produces while you do that. That actually helps combat depression. I quickly found out when I got more mobile that the Helpers High is kind of the opposite, but in still a good way chemical reaction in the brain. One is serotonin and I believe another is dopamine. I think I could be wrong on that, but it's another brain chemical that happens when you help others. What you guys are witnessing on TikTok with me fundraising is the Helpers High.
Speaker 1:If I'm helping a charity, it's kind of the same thing as when I take the kids and we go do an hour or two down at the soup kitchen. It kind of helps with their autism And that's. You're literally seeing me fight my own demons by helping others, and that's part of why I do that, because that's what's kept me out of seeing shrinks or needing medication from the VA and things like that. So I've just found a way to weave it all together into a normal life. It is a little counterproductive sometimes when it comes to relationships, but I've made it a priority in my life, just like your mental health should be a priority. If you recognize it's there, it's something that should be addressed.
Speaker 1:I get up before the kids get up, so they don't even know that I'm taking an hour of their time, as I put it, and I love cooking for them because I am helping my children when I do cook. If I'm doing a tractor pull or training for it actually helps two different aspects, because if I'm not motivated to go work out, well, i want that helpers high and I'm committed to that charity. Now I have to. So I've kind of trapped myself in this weird treatment program of my own design. Yeah, and the comedy is coping. Well, the comedy is coping for, i think, a lot of us We all are, at least a majority of us and we're going to have others jumping in and out as we go through this podcast. You know a lot of us are veterans and so that that comedy and that dark humor and just an infantry thing.
Speaker 1:I don't necessarily agree with, but it's how we cope with things. You go through years of mental strain and anguish and that's just how you learn to not get down in one of those deep dark holes. But I don't disagree with you on the helper's high, because even in talking to because I talk to doctors I talk to a doctor on a regular basis One of the things that I felt helped me was creating my content and it was because everything I was doing was about helping others. It wasn't for like something I'm I want or something I need. It was all about helping others.
Speaker 1:And so when I quit doing that because I was in that depressive state, i got burnout. I had so many other issues going on, you know, at home and things like that. That really dragged me down. With the moment I started creating more home and I started going out and doing more motivational videos again and really trying to improve all the tools. There's one message of this spoke to me and then that right there, click. And that is when I was like, okay, this means something, i'm doing something right. And you know, that kind of brought me out of my funk of being depressed and being in that situation.
Speaker 1:And my doctors have agreed. They're like. Every time I talk to them, they're like are you creating? Are you, are you helping others? Like, are you doing what you know you need to do? And when I say no, they're like okay. Then after this call, go Go, because it's not the pills that I need, it's not, oh, i need to do all this, it's. There are different avenues of affecting your mental well-being that do not require medications. You just have to know how to trigger those. Now, some of them do require medication. Don't get me wrong. I'm not going to knock the people that require it. I'm just saying there are ways that you can curb the issues without needing medication. Sometimes, yes, but let's also recognize that when you're creating content, that's no different than crafting pottery or something. It is a creative outlet. Right, and that's and that's, for me, is the creativity on top of the reasoning behind it.
Speaker 4:Unless some negativity gets in there.
Speaker 1:Every once in a while It does. I try to keep it away, but it does. Yeah, we see it.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you haven't seen my comment section.
Speaker 1:No, not Savage. why don't you give a little bit of an introduction about yourself and why this topic is so important to you, my name's Jason.
Speaker 2:I go by the handle Savage online for my social media CEO of Savage Media. I'm a recovering addict. I've been battling mental health issues, battling depression, anxiety, addiction for at least a decade, more than that even. I mean my whole life. But you know it all culminated in after a motorcycle accident and a doctor wrote me a script and that script became my best friend. And you know, after nuclear bombing, a life that I built with my ex-wife, i went down a very dark road and she left me with. you know I don't blame her And you know the way I was acting was absolute insanity. And I've been in and out of recovery, in and out of 12-step rooms for the last seven years. Currently I've been going on eight, nine months sober. I don't really count the days anymore. You know 10, 22, 22. And you know I decided to be a gentleman. Some of the gentlemen in this room have saved my life.
Speaker 1:Help me do some things? Yeah, definitely, and that's very important And it's something that a lot of people don't recognize is that you know that when your mental health struggles and you find these addiction, you find these coping mechanisms that aren't always healthy, you become addicted and you go down dark paths and it takes you deeper and deeper into the hole that you don't see a way out of, and so, finally, you hit rock bottom And everybody's rock bottom is different, and some people honestly don't have a way out that it becomes too late, as we know. So thank you for sharing that story, david. How about you?
Speaker 3:My name is David. On my social media it's either Remus 1972 or my most recent backup account is Heathen Burgundy doing my attempt at comedy. I'm no tiger balm, but I'm trying.
Speaker 1:Yeah, it's great, i love it.
Speaker 3:I love it. Yeah, i did 20 years of the Marine Corps and through that time you know I'm not gonna sit here and pretend like I was you know some kind of special forces operator, you know super duper guy out there doing it, but I saw some things a couple tours in Iraq, did a year in Afghanistan as a civilian contractor. And probably the hardest thing for me is I mean, I grew up, i lost my dad at a really young age, grew up with a stepdad that really you know we were the, we were the me and my sister weren't a priority like his two sons were. And you know I just do a lot of things that my mom didn't know about. Went down and lost my mom four years ago to cancer and it spiraled me into a pretty bad state of depression, medical anxiety.
Speaker 1:I think he just lost his breaker again. You know, yeah, it looks like it froze up, that's fine. So yeah, while we're waiting for him to get back on and he'll probably drop out here, liam what about you, man?
Speaker 4:Why it's important.
Speaker 2:I'm an addict.
Speaker 4:I've been straight off with my drug or toys since 2008.
Speaker 1:I've dealt with all kinds of people from the things that were taught growing up, things like kids, which well people they deal with it. Recently, the reason I got more concerned about it is because I got even new issues that have popped up, probably in the last couple of months, that are really taking it to the next level. There's been a few times where I shit you guys not and I don't even tell other people this.
Speaker 4:If I wasn't too chicken-shitted to have offered myself I probably would have a few times over the last few months, just because of the shit that's changing between having kids like an ex that doesn't have to see them.
Speaker 1:It's life's drama and we're supposed to shut the fuck up and be a man and fucking. You know this dark shit. So it's really important because I don't want people to go through what I go through and not be able to feel like they can talk to people about it, because I can see how fast that can spiral and put us in a place where we become a statistic really quick and, if I can do it, help anybody away from that or even help them out by putting a smile on their face, by being a dumbass and telling them to out a tree or like Tigers talking about what they're helping out.
Speaker 1:I guess I can't do it, because it's really hard to get quite quiet Like it just helps somebody and put a smile on their face, if I'm feeling like shit, i can do something for them that maybe they can't do for themselves. And then now I feel a little bit better about myself because I just help somebody else out rather than giving them a book, or we have a phone call because we're setting our feelings and stuff like that.
Speaker 4:Like I don't want to. Well, how do you guys feel? Like you guys are my good friends. Some of us have been doing each other a couple of years. Some of us a year, you know a couple of months and I don't want to lose none of you guys.
Speaker 1:Man, we don't need to be a staff, and I think more guys need to be able to only speak about their shit, at least even in smaller groups. Who?
Speaker 4:could be trusted because we're old again.
Speaker 1:Yeah definitely And it's something that's very important to understand is that a lot of us go through this situation and put all the stories are different and all the reasonings are different, but you still end up in those mindsets and that be a man mindset. I think all of us here are old enough to have been raised in that mindset of suck it up, be a man, deal with it, shove it down. You don't have emotions, you don't have feelings. If you do, don't show anybody because it shows weakness. And that is one of the things that me and my wife have we still deal with today with me. I still do that with her of. You know I don't want to tell you how I feel because I know you know you may think I'm weak, or the kids will think I'm weak, or this at the third, and so it's not as a situation want to be in, even though she's there for me, even though she's like no, that's not the case, you're still have these things. So unlucky, but at the same time, it's how I was raised, so it's still things I do. Tiger, what about you man? Well, let's see.
Speaker 1:Single father of three, divorced about two years, been raising him full time on my own Got a lot of weight on my shoulders. Best thing I ever did was involuntarily cut toxic things from my life, but I was already in the habit with some healthy coping mechanisms. I picked up a little bit of a drinking problem when I got out of the 82nd airborne But luckily, after being in some dark places for several different reasons, i found fitness and helping people. And what I quickly came to realize and it might be a little bit of an opposite to some of the testimonials given prior to me I prioritize it in a non-narsistist way myself and my needs, so that I can provide and deal with that weight. A lot of men do.
Speaker 1:I don't have anybody else, so if I have a sick day it's like we're losing two incomes. If somebody gets sent home from school and I got to go pick them up and take the day off. That's why I'm not with the bricklayers. Both of my boys are autistic. I can't blow up at them. So I need to make sure that this sports card that we've been given doesn't have sugar in the gas tank before I even leave to go get the kids, as it were.
Speaker 1:So I have to recognize my problems and deal with them, and a lot of times it's from making sure they're taking care of, taking pride in that, at the same time helping other people and taking care of mine. There is always a bit of conflict with that, you know, whether it be, you know, my girlfriend going on two years bills, you know work. Lord knows if I could put in the time I used to when I was married, but it's all kind of put my life, whether it be the sobriety and fighting that old coping mechanism always, ever present in the back of our heads saying you know what's one drink, you know, help you take the edge off at the end of the day, nah, nah, i'm going to go full laundry, you know. Then there's outlets like comedy and stuff like that And you might think I'm crazy for saying this because you guys know how the moderators are and the guidelines on TikTok and things like that. That actually keeps me from going to really dark places. I might get frustrated behind the scenes, you know I can't say that, but at the same time, when the finished product comes out and maybe I'll get a message or two that week about how someone else didn't unalive themselves It reminds me when I get those thoughts and things like that that maybe I should tell those voices that I still get from the infantry to shut the fuck up And let's write up a meal plan for the kids this week.
Speaker 1:When it comes to mental health, it's something that we all fight. I try to be proactive with it and not reactive, because I find that when I have moments of weakness, if I'm coming from a higher ground, as it were, like Obi-Wan, it's easier to nize and change my course of action. If I find myself constantly getting stacked on by anxieties and societal pressures and whatnot, it's hard to keep that high ground, but it can be done. Other than that, i don't know. I'm a meat popsicle And you're not falling for it. You're trying to get all the Star Wars reference to mental health.
Speaker 2:You got to do that. But I am a pipe hitting power nerd and anime is an outlet.
Speaker 1:Nerdery is an outlet. If you had any idea, i'm not a nerd, i'm a pipe hitting power nerd, and anime is an outlet, if you had any idea. What you said there was very valid in that I've always considered myself being able to deal with anything, so I became very reactionary because I didn't have those issues growing up that a lot of others have dealt with. I will always admit to being very lucky in my life and the situations that I came up in even being made fun of and bullied and things like that I just had things get in, let it roll off and never let that type of stuff bother me. It's just not who I was. But that doesn't change the fact that you know after a while, when you start seeing negativity, when you start feeling these things, start dealing with these situations, it all eventually gets to you. For me, it didn't happen until I was in my mid to late 20s, even in my 30s, that all of a sudden everything built off at once and then it was just downhill from there, between the military, being away from family, not having the support system, you got your bat friends turning their back on you. All this other stuff finally just hit And I was just like I'm done. What's the point? Why do all this? And so, once I dug myself back out I won't lie, tiger, i still fall into some of those reactionary instead of proactive methods of dealing with it. It's very reactionary And so I definitely understand where you're coming from on that one.
Speaker 1:Putting yourself first It's just the way I was raised makes it difficult. Well, one of the other things I've learned is who real friends are and how to identify that. And having no quants with basically telling someone okay, fine, bye, fuck them. If they want me to prioritize, let's say my kids. They're my priority. If this is all my clients, they come first. Your project will get done. Oh, your friend of mine had a wake yesterday. That's why I wasn't honest much yesterday And I quickly realized with hindsight who in the last two years has been a good friend and who's been a quiet friend and who's been a POS friend. So I think we're better off with less relationships that aren't bad ones. Yeah, i don't disagree. I don't disagree.
Speaker 1:I move forward. Rooster and I see David trying to come in his internet's being real wonky right now, but Rooster, you're here. man, what's the importance of mental health and kind of what it means to you, especially moving forward and trying to escape this once a year mindset?
Speaker 4:You want me to go full sin, brother, because I can do it, dude. Full sin, full sin. So, first off, i'm a DV survivor and SA survivor. I've also a rage. I've also got alcoholism tendencies. I've been dealing with the men's mental health issues for quite a while now. It helps me cope with my own issues by helping other people. Do I always have the right? Do I always have the best? apps answered Again, no, but nine times out of ten. For a lot of men it's just being heard, not so much of receiving a direct answer but having the outlet to finally say what they've been needing to say for so long. You know, i wrecked my brain for a long time trying to figure out where I wanted to take my TikTok, how I wanted to do it. Now, sure, i jumped on the UPG train and done the Homival readout, like so many others have done. Absolutely, i really like those, by the way. Yeah, i mean, they're crazy. Everybody's doing them, they need the reminders.
Speaker 1:You know how that algorithm is.
Speaker 4:Well, i mean, but the one thing I haven't seen a lot of is a whole lot of people giving ground to men's mental health and what it means to not just the individual man but society as a whole, or even to be closer. You know that individual's family. You know we as men we undergo so much on a daily basis. You know some people call them demons. Some people call them, you know, internal monsters. What have you? You know everybody says you know, oh, you got to kick your alcoholism, you got to beat that demon. Yeah, no, i didn't. I didn't beat him, i made peace with it. You know I fight a fight, specifically because I can't Fight with alcoholism is for most part genetic. My father was an alcoholic, his father before him, my uncle's, alex.
Speaker 1:So instead of, that was your coping mechanism then.
Speaker 4:Yeah, i mean I purposely feed that demon and allow him to stay, because it helps me gauge my tolerance, my resilience. It reminds me I'm not dead yet, like there's still something inside of me, still alive. Because, to be honest with you, you know a lot of people talk about, you know, contemplating suicide. Let me go ahead and tell you something. Contemplate at all you want. You want to talk about how you feel like a real failure. I've lost count how many times I've tried to unalive myself. The most recent one, i tried to chew a damn bullet. So that's two attempts. With a firearm, my guns don't jam, they don't not fire. You grab one of mine, pull the trigger. It detonates every time, guaranteed.
Speaker 1:Yeah, man, but they don't come in sugar-free.
Speaker 2:He's on diet.
Speaker 4:I got to that point where I was just I was tired. You know, liam Cyber, you know you two guys saw a huge part of that And you know, lear-knock Cyber actually saved my life one night. No kidding, yeah, i hadn't eaten in days. I'm homeless to be, just in case y'all wondering.
Speaker 3:I look pretty good for a home Right now.
Speaker 4:Yeah, i'm homeless Right now. I do not have a home, i do not have a fixed location. I actually sleep in my girlfriend's front yard.
Speaker 1:What do you need, though, to get you by right now?
Speaker 4:Right now I'm good. I've got the gods and the stars above me. I've got a good job. Finally, that's, you know, keeping food in my stomach and Even though I mean like socks.
Speaker 3:Socks and stuff.
Speaker 4:No, I'm honestly good there, You know, like I said, it's Have them all too man.
Speaker 1:From Have them all too, and message me after this.
Speaker 4:Well, from now, compared to even two months ago, it's a total polar opposite. Two months ago, you know, i wasn't eating, i was very rarely sleeping, i was averaging two, maybe three hours a night And it was terrible, it was bad, and you know.
Speaker 1:I'm sorry you're having those circumstances in your life right now, but I'm not going to point with your situation.
Speaker 2:No, go ahead Okay.
Speaker 1:Everybody has hardships. Yours is pretty bad And sometimes people just need a smile. But at the same time, do you know what men don't get a lot of? One of the first things I experienced after my divorce was this thing called a compliment And I would like to tell the whole room those are some really nice beards looking beardly. My guys a little jealous, i mean mustaches included. Remus.
Speaker 2:I try to make it freaking weird, but complimenting people.
Speaker 1:Right, Isn't that weird about men? Men don't do that Yeah.
Speaker 2:I try to make it more comfortable.
Speaker 1:Ben's looking sexy. my guy, I wish I was as tall as you. Absolutely My girlfriend compliments me and I still can't handle it very well. I get all quiet, but inside a little furnace starts up and I'm just like, oh, what is this?
Speaker 4:My point is you got that beard and I don't.
Speaker 1:mine doesn't even connect very well, got beard and be, what can I say? I covered a lot of that in one of my videos.
Speaker 4:Believe it or not, I do believe I touched on you know, because right now I'm working on a series talking about the each individual mindset that most men show. Last night I covered resting dick face, Which is the polar opposite of resting bitch face is the male version of.
Speaker 2:I grew up in Bronx and I cracked up in time. I have resting a crack You skull, and what a baseball bat face.
Speaker 1:I thought that was average. Every day New Yorker face.
Speaker 4:The first video was Like Was the class And you know. I see a lot of a lot of that with a lot of our group. There's a lot of the clown in the room, the ones that are quick to post jokes or, and you know, a lot of people don't realize that's just a defense mechanism that we use for coping. Modern Flokey and I will message each other and say, hey, what was that joke you?
Speaker 1:told like just to be funny or was that a trauma response? We asked that a lot A little about I use, I use.
Speaker 2:humor is a coping mechanism, because for years I use drugs and alcohol to cope. So, like when I need my, so one of the things, like you know I've heard a few people just chime in with this. I heard a few people say, like you know about, you know the addiction and everything I die Like, i got to make one thing clear And this is all me. like, drugs and alcohol are not my problem, i'm my fucking problem, and when I focus on myself, i focus on the problem. So, like, some of the things that I need to do, like drugs and alcohol are my answer. They're my solution to every issue that I have, every emotion, every struggle, everything I'm going through, because I don't want to deal with my own shit.
Speaker 2:So once now that I've learned and that's no longer in my wheelhouse as a solution to my problem, now you must like the next best thing. You know I started doing drugs and alcohol because they were fun and they were funny and I left my ass off. Then I started getting mean, then I started getting devious, then I started getting deceptive and I started doing all these things that I'm not proud of. Now I'm not going to be a good person Now your health went down.
Speaker 2:Right, my mental health, specifically, like. there was a time you know we talked about unaliving like. One of my darkest moments was right after my mom passed from COVID in August 2020, september 2020. I was on the middle of its head. I was living in an apartment on the river, in the Delaware River in Bristol, pennsylvania, and I was getting, you know, $1200 a week in stimulus money. Plus I'm working a few nights. Well, you know a few nights under the table. Let's just say I'm working a few nights as a bartender, right.
Speaker 3:Edit that out.
Speaker 2:You might. Now I am as you know. This is where educational purposes only. I'm a hypothetical.
Speaker 1:Educational purposes only. I'm learning.
Speaker 4:There's no better wire as an old man. So if you're in another state.
Speaker 2:I do not consent for you to take me. So there's like I mean I'm literally like I'm literally making doctor money at this point And like I put my dealers kids to college, like I say it all the time. And there was a point where, after my mom passed and my mom was always my best friend, my biggest cheerleader that I played spin the bottle with a glass stem with crack cocaine and I'm honest about what I did and a loaded pew pew And I took a bottle of vodka and I spotted and one of those things was going in my mouth. I mean, it's probably the only time that I'm very grateful that I actually smoked crack.
Speaker 1:Dude. So many people picked up a bottle during the pandemic. It's ridiculous. The whole world was coping.
Speaker 2:There was an 80% increase in relapses. I had a year and a half of the time when I was like really good and really good at my sobriety And then it took like two years for me to get back on track.
Speaker 1:Yeah, and that's my wife that picked up a bottle and it made things weird. A lot of people don't understand, especially now, is COVID did a lot of damage to a lot of people, a lot of people relapsed, a lot of issues occurred And then, at least here in PA, savage, as you know, they closed down or tried to close down liquor stores and your state stores, and then they closed down for like the first three weeks And then so many people were going into And they went into withdrawal And it actually loaded the hospitals up even more than COVID did, because you now had all these alcoholics that were going through withdrawal and had to be sent to the hospital But I get, or going on to other things, yeah, no, but here's the thing Like all the mind-altering substances and all the substances you-
Speaker 2:could put in your body the most dangerous one to withdraw from is alcohol. So, like things like Xanax and things like that There's my educational purposes. Only, you know, things like that, you can go, you have seizures, you can pass, you can all live through withdrawal from that. Yeah, so like now, here's like where people's mental health and where, like alcoholism and substance abuse disorder came into such an impactful, you know, forefront is the fact that they shut down liquor stores for three weeks And because it was overrunning the hospitals with people coming in from seizures and from almost passing, that they had to get the liquor industry up and running. As what were they called it? What were the people that couldn't stop working? What are they called Essential workers, essential?
Speaker 1:workers.
Speaker 2:So liquor store operators and spirit distributors and still became essential workers during the pandemic. That would give you an idea of how large this unspoken, you know monster that's on people's backs is.
Speaker 1:Yeah, yeah dude, we were dropping to Ohio, or there came a moment because a lot of Pennsylvania's went to Ohio and West Virginia when that should happen. Jersey, yeah, we were going over there. Do you got some Ohio would tell us if they seen our Pennsylvania license. Or like we can't sell to you guys anymore Because like it was just so many people pouring into the state and like buying up everything over there. Yeah, but again this comes down to right and and remiss. Now that you're back on, i want to kind of get you know here from you as well. But this comes down to our coping mechanisms and what's healthy and unhealthy. And, like Brewster said, you know kind of the demon, you know when you feed little by little just to keep them quiet enough to you know, be satiate, satiated, i'll tell you what.
Speaker 1:I'll tell you what. Conversely from that time, my ex-wife picked up. You know she would drink socially, but she got really bad during the pandemic. It's how she coped, and my demons were, and she was constantly trying to get me to do it too, and you know that was a fight not to Yeah, and it formed a big ol' wedge. And again it's the demons you want to feed versus the ones you don't, because we're all going to have those demons. There's no walking them up permanently, there's no killing them off. There's the ones that you can make tiny because of the way you fight them and you're able to make them smaller, and then the ones that you just have to keep. Satiated enough, stated enough, that they stay in their cage, they don't yell and scream as loudly anymore, but the voices are still going to come back.
Speaker 1:And so these coping mechanisms that we face, whether it's jokes or alcohol or drugs or helping others. If you're choosing the healthy ways where, yeah, it's okay to drink every once in a while for some people. But, savage, i don't like how you said where your problem was. You I'm going to. I know I get addicted to dicks. I have an addictive personality. I have myself in check.
Speaker 2:I'm allergic to alcohol. I break out in spots all over the place. I have a crack spots like all over New York, New Jersey, Philadelphia, all over the place. I had a body up with a break out in handcuffs. He was allergic to break out in cops, but for me it's.
Speaker 1:I know my family, like Rooster, like a lot of other people, I know my family history, i know my tree. If I do not, or if I do not keep myself in check, then it becomes a huge issue And my wife has had a put me in line and been like no, you're done, you're done. Like if you can't handle it, you're out.
Speaker 1:And so these are coping mechanisms where this is why I try to find different ways because if I don't, I know what I'm going to become And I don't want to be that person.
Speaker 4:I honestly think this is where each individual needs to pay very close attention to the advice they give out. And every time I'm counseling another man or I'm counseling anybody, whether it's somebody that I'm trying to reeducate or work it worth. You know, work within our faith, practice. What's worked for me may not necessarily work for you, right, right, but a lot of people, hey, i can't touch alcohol, i can't do that. But for me, what's worked best for me is yeah, i keep drinking, i just forced myself to a stopping point. So what works for me isn't always going to work for somebody else. And I try to tell everybody look, this is your path to choose. You have to figure out what is what you're going to walk with. I mean, if you have something that can completely and totally eliminate your urge, then do that, whether it's going to a gym or whatever.
Speaker 4:But for me it's just easier for me to make peace with the deck demons inside than try to kill them off. Yeah, because I know they're always going to be there. They're never really going to go play. The one demon that I actively try to keep in a cage, in a box, in a safe, under the bed, like locked down, like Fort Knox is my rage, because I know that's the one demon I have that if I let go of and I let him turn loose, i'm not going to be able to put him back. You know, that's that's. That's the one thing I'm addicted to. I'm addicted to, i'm addicted to rage, i'm addicted to fighting, i'm addicted to pain. So I actively try my best to not let him out.
Speaker 2:So one of the things like through my journey like you know, i've done a lot of work with the 12 step programs, like and I've done a lot of work like working with therapists and seeing professionals and things like that And this inner journey, so like, one of the things that I have learned is that, like I'm not going to get, like you said, i'm not getting rid of all these demons, they're going to be there. But you know, there's that story of the Native American grandfather who talks to you, know his grandson, and says you know, there's two wolves inside of you. One is evil and one is, is ugly, and one wants nothing but destruction And the other one is beautiful and wants to have people, wants to be this amazing member, this amazing member of the tribe. And you know, the grandson says, well, like, well, which one do I go with? And the grandfather says, whichever one you feed, you know, and like.
Speaker 2:So, like if I'm, if I'm doing things to get rid of these bad habits and these bad coping mechanisms, because I'm learning neuroplasticity, i'm learning how to rewire my brain, like once that's a big part in fighting right, once I started learning how to think. It's a thing like I have issues with rage. So I go to the gym. That helps me get it out of it. Like you know, i'll spar with people. I'll do more sorts of that. It helps me get out of it.
Speaker 2:You know, like drinking and alcohol. Alcohol and drugs for me is an issue. So I go to 12 step programs. That's my own personal choice, you know. But I've also learned, like one of the things too that keeps me really grounded. And I've learned to do and it took a while, man, it took a while for me to learn this And, like you know, we talk about it in the past, we talk about it in the rooms and we talk about, like this ego death. And when we talk about ego death, like no, i'm a good looking dude, that's not ego, that's a fucking fact. Like you know what I mean. Like you know, like I'm funny, that's a fact. I'm smart, that's a fact. That's not my ego. Like if I'm saying something and I back it up, that's not ego.
Speaker 1:That's confidence, but did you realize it before you got on any social media and started developing this manual today?
Speaker 2:Bro, how do you think I got high for so long? And Sean's drug dealers right out of 40 bags every morning, all day.
Speaker 1:So, so Savage, like knowing that and it is a big thing, right, There's a huge is being able to have this. There is a difference between confidence and ego, Right? So this ego death wait. So let me finish that thought.
Speaker 2:Let me finish that thought. So ego death to me and what I've been explained to it, right, how I look at it is ego death is just my, my judgment of others. So like, if I'm in a room full of drug addicts and alcoholics they're talking about, like, their problems and they're talking about things that they did, i could sit there and be like, oh, it's never that bad, i didn't do that Like.
Speaker 3:I didn't sell my body.
Speaker 2:I didn't do these things. I didn't do some of the things that I've heard some of these people share, or I could sit there and say, hey, i have a disease, just like everybody else that's in this room, and I can remember being desperate enough to actually have the thoughts of doing that. And now I'm no longer better than anybody, i'm no longer worse than anybody. I'm just on that same level playing field. Like I've heard this explained and I hate to bring the Bible into it, but it's probably the funniest fucking explanation of ego that I've ever heard. So, like the biblical story of the Garden of Eden, like was the, was the apple, the fruit of knowledge or was it the fruit of judgment? Like, did the place really change over the night or did Adam and Eve's fucking view of it change? Like did they? like, oh, this place is perfect. Today They eat the apple. They're like, oh, this place sucks.
Speaker 2:And also like it's the way you look at something. It's the way, like I always do, like gratitude exercises, i want to do it. Gratitude exercises. I find a way to be grateful for things that irritate me. So, like you know, my phone. I dropped my phone and I can't even use my front forward facing camera anymore, because it's a huge crack through the glass. So, like I'm making TikToks or GoPro, i'm just grateful that I had the GoPro and I have the software to edit and they're actually coming out better than they used to. Yeah.
Speaker 2:And also by changing that.
Speaker 1:I got a split, guys. I got a kid thing.
Speaker 2:All right, tiger, i'm always ready to see you, brother.
Speaker 1:We're going to see each other again. Thank you for watching this week's episode of walk with me, or listening to it If you're on audio podcast. Men's mental health awareness is something that is very important and, as that, i had a break this into two episodes. You will get the rest of the episode next week, but, i stress, the stories you have heard and the stories you will hear are not for the light of heart. The language can be explicit, but the pain is real, the issues we face and the ways we deal with them are all real. So, once again, thank you for listening to this week's episode, and next week we'll be back with another one. For now, this has been walk with me at Cyber Warrior Studios production And, as always, i'm your host on this journey the Cyber Warrior.
